BLACK CUM I$ THE BE​$​T BAND ON THE PLANET​.​.​. AND THI$ I$ BLACK CUM'$ BE​$​T ALBUM

by Black Cum

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about

Black Cum = Crass + Napalm Death – The Minutemen
With an album title like Black Cum Is the Best Band On the Planet, it’s not surprising that Black Cum talks about Black Cum repeatedly on the song titles and the songs themselves. Extremely lo-fi punk songs with half-spoken, half-shouted vocals over instruments were recorded like, well, there was a microphone somewhere in the vicinity. Walking a tightrope on the thin line of listenability, their Facebook uses the term “(anti-) music.” There is almost a sense of tradition here, except I doubt they take it that seriously, which is a good thing! So bad it’s good? This is what some of the first punks sounded like before they got all wrapped up in being rock stars and punk sold out, becoming just another musical genre, another style of clothing you could purchase at the mall. I wouldn’t go along with their “Best Band” claim, but I might listen to it again sometime if I get drunk enough: blackcumtheband.blogspot.com. –Stakerized!



I love these guys. I have no idea why but there is something so innocent and sweet about their insane and offensive music. I could review it but I think you would get a truer sense of their work if I just listed the song titles:

Side A
Black Cum'$ Been Playin' Lot$ of Ba$ketball
Kill the Pre$ident (Black Cum Cover)
Black Cum Play$ the Ba$$ Drum and $ing$ at the $ame Time
Black Cum, Black $care
Trick the Dick (A Black Cum Tip)
Black Cum i$ $mokin' Bluntz
Black Cum ha$ a Job
Black Cum Party

Side B
Black Cum, A Whole Nother $ide
$atan has a Barbed Cock (Explicit)
You Must Believe in Black Cum
Black Cum i$ all American
9/11, Black Cum Love$ You
Black Cum i$ Dead

I think that takes care of it.
-DEAD FORMATS



I don't know how long this has been sitting around the office, because the entire staff ignored opening it for some time because it came wrapped in a fucking flannel shirt and no one wanted to touch it. I finally gave in while trying to clean up one night and discovered it was a fucking band called Black Cum...I mean, you have to listen to it now, just for the hell of the name, right? It's obviously going to be terrible, the question remained was it going to be good terrible or terrible terrible? Every song except one has Black Cum in the title (and they use more dollar signs than Chris Lutzko). Favorite song title: "Black Cum's Been Playing A Lot of Basketball". Internet sleuthing tells me that Black Cum have actually existed since 2011, are from Salt Lake City (which I find unsurprising), actually have a few other releases, had a Kickstarter to release a split 10" at one point (a terrible fundraising scheme to release a terrible record format), are an "improvised anti-music/punk/hardcore/anarcho/thrash/etc./who cares" band. Sometimes you just wish you wouldn't have googled Black Cum, for more than one reason. There are some moments of interest, which wane rather quickly, overall it's just a couple guys yelling and/or talking ad-libbed (I assume) lyrics over guitar "playing" and some percussion/drums. As an art project it has some miniscule merit, but it's nothing even the most garbage-oriented mind (like mine) will feel the need to hear more than once. I feel like they might be taking this "anti-music" thing seriously, which turns out to be a drag, even though they come up with a decent joke or two. -(RK) terminal boredom

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released December 31, 2013

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