"I'm here to destroy your babies. I hate your children born or unborn and I'm going to kill them. Abortions is for wussies [sic]. If women that want abortions had any balls…" This may be Black Cum's double cassette masterpiece. It's just as horrible sounding as always but the singing and lyrics are on a whole new level. Brand new insanity is reached on the first track of completely nonsense right off the bat in a song about killing children. I swear to god halfway through some pretty descriptive rants about what else an umbilical chord can used for I can hear the guitar star playing The Stooges "I wanna be your dog". The songs that follow are equally as brilliant in it's weirdo primitive anti music terribleness. It's a god damn disaster and you may hate me for enjoying this but I kinda love it. Oh yeah. I almost failed to mention how many songs are on these two cassettes. 59 songs. 59. 59 titles. Let me give you a selection of those: Cop Consentration Camp [sic], We Only Listen to Dubstep (and we like it that way), I have a Dream, Mr. Rodgers Pulled Pork Sandwich, Kill Me So I Can Trip, Scalping the Elderly… and many more. The packaging is awesome and kinda horrible as well. Just like the band. Two tapes sewn into a handmade bag with two spray painted patches and a huge list of song titles and their manifesto. Which might explain Black Cum a little better to you:
Black Cum doesn't write songs.
Black Cum doesn't practice.
Black Cum doesn't do second takes.
Black Cum just gets fucked up, presses record and plays.
Whatever happens, happens.
God bless them. - DEAD FORMATS
Happy Easter Sunday, it's The Return of Black Jesus! This is the kind of bile that I wish people would send my way more often. Black Cummust come from some sort of Midwest hell-hole, because this double album exhibits the kind of "evolved" misanthropy that is only found in the shittiest of places. I bet these guys don't have a lot fans in their hometown. The band's manifesto, as printed in the insert to this lovingly assembled package reads as follows:
BLACK CUM DOESN'T WRITE SONGS.
BLACK CUM DOESN'T PRACTICE
BLACK CUM DOESN'T DO SECOND TAKES
BLACK CUM JUST GETS FUCKED UP,
PRESSES RECORD AND PLAYS.
WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS.
This band has absolutely no sense of song structure: nihilistic talk-singing over poorly recorded guitars and drums is the name of the game through out the span of this album's 59 songs. It works so well, to me at least, because the instruments are "mixed" low, leaving the vocals 100% audible and intelligible. If you can handle Costes, then this'll be a cakewalk. It's a lot more funny than it is truly deeply negative. A heck of a lot of you aren't going to like this one lick, but those who appreciate some hate-vibes will want to listen for sure. I don't know if I'd like to be any of these guys, but I wouldn't mind mailing them a crumpled $3 bill in the mail.
"I'd rather eat human flesh than any other non-human animal!"
Listen to the whole album if you dare - CASSETTE GODS
Black Cum = G.G. Allin + The Germs + cKy
According to the Black Cum “manifesto,” they don’t write songs, practice or do second takes—they just get fucked up, press record and play. I’ll give them props for apparently adhering to these self-imposed rules. This double-cassette release (with a nifty little patch included) is an…interesting listen, but I don’t exactly get the feeling they give too much of a fuck what some old, washed-up hack like me thinks about their releases. The song titles are hilarious, and the cassettes themselves are surprisingly entertaining, although I highly doubt I’ll ever actually listen to them again. It would be somewhat pointless to even attempt to describe their music, but in the interest of an actual review: They pull in elements of shitty punk rock, ghetto blaster-recorded black metal, hardcore, rap and pretty terrible musicianship. More power to you, kids. Hopefully, this is exactly what will be playing when Black Jesus returns. –SLUG MAGAZINE